At the beginning of last year, I was in the process of discerning on whether I would switch parishes. After much church hopping when we moved here 2 years prior, we had finally settled on the one we were at and we liked it just fine. It felt comfortable. But I wanted more. I wanted to be active and involved in our parish and include my family in that, too. Where we were at was more of a simple meeting of our Sunday obligation and that was it. Not enough for anyone.

Another local parish, one that we had tried several times before and didn’t like AT ALL, had gotten a new priest assigned. I heard wonderful things about him and we attended a few services to get a feel for him. My kids LOVED him! He was relatable, engaging, and passionate. The church itself even felt SO different, almost a complete 180 from when I had been there before. But since we had literally just made the decision only months back to be at the other church, it took me some time to consider actually making the change.

I tabled the actual decision making until after our travel was complete. During Spring Break, however, my grandfather passed away and we were at home for his funeral. Just as the world was shutting down. We were so focused on our family and being together to celebrate his life, that the whole situation surrounding us just felt eerie. I wondered if when I flew back to Florida if I would find food and toilet paper! Because of course I had used up all of my stash of both before all of our trips, with plans to replace it when I got back in town. The empty airport and flight home was so surreal, but I was just so thankful to be at my house and get settled in.

The next morning was St Patrick’s Day and I went to daily mass at the new place. At the conclusion, the priest announced that the churches were shutting down to the public because of the quarantine restrictions. This rocked my world in a way that no threat of a virus ever could. And it was very obvious to me in that moment that I needed to join this parish NOW. So, we made the move.

Now, let me be clear. I was raised Catholic and have practiced (for better and for worse) my entire life. Most of that being merely mediocre. But to know that I could not have access to the holy mass except through digital means was something I never expected. Once it was taken away from me, it was painful, straight through to my soul. I craved Jesus, and reception of Him through the sacraments. It had always been about so much more than praise and worship, or meeting my Sunday obligation, but I was too distracted and self-centered to realize it.

Holy Week was especially painful celebrating the most sacred liturgies of the entire year inside our homes online. And as grateful as I was to have that option, it just wasn’t the same. Our new pastor did a beautiful job with his online presence throughout so that his community felt shepherded through all of this. He prayed with us, lit candles for every family throughout the church, placed pictures of us surrounding the base of the altar, and he even flew Jesus in the monstrance in a helicopter over our county to bless us. Powerful. But nothing beats celebrating the liturgy in person, in church, in communion with the body of Christ. As Catholics we pray with all of our selves - our body, mind, and soul through our senses with the sights, sounds, smells, touch, and taste.

I knew deep inside that when this was over, I needed to live different, to BE different, because I WAS different. Even my children noticed the void. (Meanwhile, throughout all of this, my husband was in his own void, on deployment for 9 months.)

This experience has forever changed my perspective. Although we practice strong and sacred ritual, it should never be mundane or rote. Each and every time we approach the altar should be like the first, the last, and the only time.

When we opened services back up to the public again, outside at first, I began attending mass EVERY day. My heart was overjoyed at the first confession I could participate in. I began veiling out of respect for and to humble myself in front of God. And as we added back in Adoration, I availed myself of that too.

Now it has been a year. A year of tremendous spiritual growth. A year where in my home, in the hearts of my family, our Catholic culture continues to be cultivated, now with a renewed vigor. (Oh how I have prayed for this!) These effects and experiences have taken root deeply in us - my husband and children, too! We have formed faithful, fun friendships, to the point these people are indistinguishable from family - both in our neighborhood, our homeschool community and especially at our church.

So, despite my anguish during last Lent and throughout the Easter season, I wouldn’t trade that time. It shook me up and out of something I sadly took for granted and turned it into the very lifeblood of my self.

I saw a post on instagram which resonated with me about this. The author said that throughout the year she hasn’t always remembered the hunger and despair at not being able to attend Mass. I can relate. Even though I felt changed dramatically, time has a way of softening the edges and graying the passion a bit. But even so, I think I have taken those lessons and made new, positive habits with them. And the physical, emotional, and spiritual changes I’ve made have withstood at least this small test of time. So even if the intense emotion of last year has quieted a bit, the fruits of it are still evident and felt.

As we are in the midst of Holy Week 2021, I am SO looking forward to attending each and every celebration of this most sacred liturgy of the Triduum. (Yes, even the 2-3 hour Easter Vigil - my husband is making his Confirmation!!!)

This lent, despite my very best of intentions, has been less than. I could have done better. I realize it isn’t really about me and what I can do per se, I just wish I could have offered Him more. So, I am just coming as I am to the altar, to the foot of the cross this week. Understanding that maybe that WAS the lesson. I can’t do it on my own - anything - yet I still try to grasp for that control every single day. I have so much to learn about not doing things all by myself, but asking God for help with my weaknesses, to total abandonment and surrender to Him. What better place to do this than here? I can’t embrace Jesus fully if my hands are clinging tightly to the things of this world.

I pray this spiritual renewal continues and that I always hold fast to my faith. It is so beyond beautiful living liturgically - the sacraments, solemnities, the feasts, and especially the fasts. I always want to come away challenged...and changed for the better through Jesus.

Mary Magdalene, as depicted in The Chosen series, boldly testifies that “I was one way, and now I am completely different. And the thing that happened in between...was Him.”

Can I get an AMEN???

May ALL of us encounter Christ this week just as we are, just as He is - from the tortured and crucified to the risen. Let’s walk with Him on this journey together and see for ourselves just how life-changing it can be. Happy Holy Week!